- Upton Rand
- Jan 28
- 2 min read
Updated: Apr 3
Vulnerability and the One That Got Away: My Retreat Misstep
So surprise, I'm a gay man in recovery! At a recent Recovery retreat for gay men. I found myself in a “level 10” uncomfortable situation. You know, the kind that makes you want to bolt. So, I did. I left, telling myself it was just too painful. But I knew I'd messed up as soon as I walked out. Not only did I bail on an opportunity to push through, but I also forfeited a chance to connect with this insanely attractive blue-collar guy across the room—broad shoulders, rugged grin, the whole package. Still kicking myself for that one.
Leaving didn’t just mean escaping discomfort—it meant missing out on the relief from sticking it out. Vulnerability is like a job; every time I lean into it, there’s this weird sense of pride afterward. But this time? I walked out, and instead of relief, I got regret. It’s frustrating, especially knowing that when I stick around, it feels like I survived and I’m stronger for it.
A Work in Progress
My therapist, Yub Kim, encourages me to lean into vulnerability every week. Sometimes I can, sometimes I can’t. Vulnerability isn’t just about sharing—it’s about showing up, even when it feels impossible. And yeah, I’m a work in progress. But next time, I will remember that the relief on the other side is worth the pain. Who knows? Maybe there’ll even be another ruggedly handsome guy giving me a second chance.
