Gay Men’s Field Guide: Beauty Standards, and where they're heading.

Today we look at gay beauty, where it is— and where it's going.

Hey there, it’s Upton Rand, your go-to gay guy with a sharp tongue, a nerdy streak, and a Lakewood edge that cuts through the bullshit. I’m back with an updated spin on gay male beauty standards for the Gay Men’s Field Guide—because who doesn’t want a funny, raw take on where we’ve been and where we’re headed? Let’s dive into the mess of it all—past, present, and a wild guess at the future—while keeping it real and hilarious. Buckle up, boys!

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Laundromat Real Talk: Folding Briefs

 and Talking Gay Beauty Standards

Picture this: me and my friend Brendan at the laundromat, knee-deep in boxer briefs and socks, when we stumble into a convo about gay beauty trends. It’s not your typical “who’s cute” chitchat—this is us unpacking what “hot” even means in our little corner of the world

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Back in the early 2000s, we were both suckers for that Abercrombie & Fitch fantasy: zero body hair, abs like a washboard, and a tan that screamed “I summer in the Hamptons.” Brendan was a rugby jock, I was a skinny runner, and we chased that look like it was our ticket to gay heaven. Spoiler: it wasn’t. I once tried waxing my chest at home and ended up redder than a lobster and twice as mad—lesson learned. The things we do for beauty right?

Then the mid-2000s hit, and bam—lumberjack season had arrived. Beards, fuzz, and a little cushion for the pushin’ were suddenly in. My smooth ass was out of luck! It was a wake-up call: queer identity shifts fast, and beauty standards? They’re a moving target.

My ex-husband—hot but a total dick—used to rave about my average build like it was gold. Weirdly, his messed-up compliments showed me beauty’s personal as hell. Who knew an asshole could accidentally drop wisdom?

Where we are now: beautiful bear of bods and inclusivity. 🌈 #BearBodsAndRainbows"

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My First Gay Label

Let’s rewind to 18-year-old me in rural Michigan—cows, corn, and zero gay bars. Twice a year, we’d hit these lodge dances near Marquette (name’s fuzzy—blame the alcohol in my 20s). One night, some dude calls me a “twink.” I’m thinking, “What, like the cream-filled kind?” Nope—young, slim, smooth. It blew my mind to hear there were all types of us homos. That’s when I clocked the gay subculture communities: twinks, bears, otters—it’s a whole damn zoo out there. My queer identity got a crash course, and I’ve been obsessed with these tribes ever since. (If I’d cashed in every “twink” comment back then, I’d own a lodge now.)

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Meanwhile Back in Laundry Land.....

Back at the laundromat, Brendan’s was playing historian with past gay beauty trends, but I’m like, “Screw that—I want to know what’s next!” I dug into social media—Twitter, Insta, all of it—tracking how we went from Abercrombie smooth to lumberjack rugged.

For the future, I leaned on some driven analytics (nerd alert) to find out what may be coming. Brendan’s is betting on a ‘50s muscle-man comeback—think beefy dudes with a modern twist. Me? I’m eyeing OnlyFans, where guys crank their LGBTQ style to max volume and fans eat it up. It’s a beauty buffet, and I’m loving the chaos.

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Wild Guesses: Neon Beards or Leather Everything?

Brendan name-dropped OnlyFans first—smartass—and it sparked some thoughts. LGBTQ style loves a retro remix, right? ‘80s shoulder pads turned into bomber jackets, so what’s beauty’s next throwback?

Picture this: ‘80s bears with neon-dyed beards or Bowie-level androgyny in leather. I’m rooting for electric blue pubes—I’m tempted to go buy some electric blue dye today ;-)The future’s wide for us though, and gay subcultures are steering the ship.

Where we may be going: Cyberpunk meets David Bowie with a dash of kink—futuristic streets, glam vibes, and a playful edge. 🌃✨🔗 #FutureFabulous

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Unleashing Grok: AI Meets My Beauty Obsession

Post-laundromat, I got antsy and called on my AI buddy Grok (Rex, because he’s extra). He sliced through the noise , sifted through the data, and got the real story. We analyzed Twitter, all of Twitter… Grok also had X posts on lock, so I told it: “Map gay beauty trends from ten years ago to now, then predict the future based on the natural continuation of them.” Grok nailed it—smooth Abercrombie ruled the ‘90s, then hairy naturals took over. It flagged new stuff too: fillers, Botox, even steroids. Brendan and I bickered over that last one—he’s anti, but I’ve seen it normalized. At 16, I was on Trenbolone (yes, the steroid they give cattle) and punched a wall over hold music. Teens, stay safe. lol

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The Future’s a Rainbow: Variance Rules

Here’s the juicy bit: beauty’s not shrinking—it’s exploding. Research shows gay subculture vibes are splitting into a million awesome directions. Bears own their hair and heft, goth gays flip off norms with androgyny—it’s all about queer identity your way. OnlyFans is the rocket fuel; creators flaunt their unique LGBTQ style, and fans stan hard. Social media’s the hype machine, turning every look into a community. The future? A spectrum where “hot” is whatever you say it is. PacSun might scoff at my 39-year-old ass, but I’m grabbing my vibe—maybe even dyeing something wild—and owning it.

I sifted the data so you can watch Ru Paul ya'll.

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The takeaway - do you!

Real talk: After all the waxing mishaps, steroid regrets, and ex-husband drama (good riddance), I’ve learned one thing: beauty’s a wild ride, and the only way to win is to make your own damn rules. So whether you’re rocking neon pubes or keeping it classic, just remember—your queer identity is your superpower. Own it, flaunt it, and let the world catch up- it’s beautiful if it’s you. And hey, if all else fails, juse go naked :-)