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Transactional Friendships, and how to handle toxic tendencies in LGBTQ friendships, or change them.
- Upton Rand
- Apr 26
- 11 min read
Updated: Apr 28
Are you a transactional friend?
Hey guy's- I'm Upton Rand, Thanks For Stoppping By.
This week we're going to look at psychology. I've been having a really tough week. I'm coming to terms with the fact that for so many "friendships" in my life, they are unbalanced transactional relationships. I've also had Vampiric fiends in my life rear their ugly heads in the past week. You must be wondering, what's a transactional or a Vampiric friend? Fair question. In short, they're both takers. I didn't know either! My shrink taught me. He's my lifeline. Shout out to Yub!
Let's start with skewed transactional friendships. because they’re slightly better in my eyes than a full-blown Vampiric relationships. Skewed Transactional friends, are "friends" thas simply don't bring as much spiritually to the table as you are. There are a lot of reasons why this can occur, but in my experience, it falls into one of two categories. Either the other party skewing the relationship doesn’t realize it or they don't care. They typically form friendships based on what’s given and taken, and according to the reasarch I dove into for this blog it's very much a learned behavior.
You might have had that friend in high-school who was always asking you to buy her things. Maybe the friend quick to vent when their life goes sideways- but seldom checks in on you. It can look like anything and is very individual specific - that's called a skewed transactional friendship. Now I will say some men like transactional relationships. And there is a place for them, in order for transactional relationships, to be healthy they must be equal give and get. Those aren't the sorts of frienships this blog entry is about. We're discussing lopsided friendships here.
You'll likely see the people we're discussing in your life more when they want something and rarely find them initiating texts or asking to spend meaningful in-person time with you. They will reach out to have their needs met at a much higher and disproportionate rate. Vampiric "friends” Vampiric "friends” ( I use that term lightly) are pretty dangerous if you give them an open pass into your heart. For fucks sake, don't do this, guys… I don't care how pretty they tell you that you are, and they will. This ain't Uptons’ first rodeo. The primary difference is awareness. Vampiric friends realize what they're doing and continue regardless.
What do when a safe space is compromised
I do this little yoga class weekly, and as much as it pains me, one of these very vampires started to attend it last week, I'd never seen him go before. But there he was on the signup, clear as day. The knowledge that a person so close to my ex-husband and so unkind to me could walk in the door on any given session as I was at my most vulnerable terrified me. There’s a huge amount of trust you have to provide to even take a chance going to a class like that. Sort of like my experience at Horse Market.
The safety I felt in that room was hard fought. It took me a year! Seriously! Every Thursday. It was a long road. Being a marital rape survivor my husband carried these same Vampiric traits, and it almost killed me. He raped me typically five times a week throughout the course of my marriage. This class wasn't just a class. It was a hospital for my soul. It was my way of taking myself back from that fear. I feel grateful to be alive every day. It was a devastating moment for me when I found out he was libel just to wander in the door any session as I was at my most vulnerable. While this person wasn't my ex husband, the behaviors they treated me with were enough to cause flashbacks.
I realized the trust I fought for was gone in an instant in that particular space. I didn't know if I was overreacting, so I started reading. It turns out this is just part of being a sexual assault survivor. I've never actually written about my situation, and I gotta say it's pretty damn tough. I never wanted to be seen as weak by my readers to be truthful. But at the end of the day, this is my truth. And it's relevant to the story.
It's important to note I'm grateful for my time in that space, it really helped me find my way back to the light after so much darkness. It was everything I needed it to be at the time. Just because a space changes, it doesn't mean all the good that occurred there is lost. It was a lifeline for me, I'm truly grateful for the time I got. :-)
My Councelor Ms. Brickner Told Me a Quote the Stayed With Me Forever on my graduation day from rehab 10 years ago....
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"Don't ever light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm Upton. "
At the time, it didn't fully make sense. Now I get it. If I close my eyes, I can still see the imaginary shores of my mind. My once intricate, flawless pendant that represented all that trust I built. It was cherished. Polished lovingly every Thursday for a year. When I heard about the loss of safety in the space, the pendant shattered in nearly an instant and sank to the bottom, swirling in my reveries. although it's no longer there, the amazing places it unlocked in that year with it I still carry. I considder myself so lucky for that time.
Are You a Transactional Friend but want to
change?
If you have Vampric tendencies I respect you owning that. And applaude your desire to change.But you're going to need more help than this little blog post. No matter how good my design is :-P
Reach out by email and I'm happy to help you locate someone qualified to help you.
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Do you worry you might be a transactional friend in a skewed friendships or relationships- but want to change? Here's how guys like me see the world. This analogy brought tears to my eyes but makes it crystal clear. This analogy also flooded me with tranquility and safety. Because stacked against the standards below, I feel like I would thrive in the world I'm about to describe. That's the kind of man I want to be.
So here’s my question to you. Imagine a world where dollar bills were obsosolete. The world suddenly woke up and realized we were killing ourselves over paper with doodles of dead presidents. In the aftermath something shifted Trust, and time were th e new currency. How would you survive in this world? What would this world be for you— would you be broke?
My drug counselor and therapist back in 2016 when I was first getting sober I mentioned earler loved using analogies! She was a master at it, She g machine, maybe at the gym, to grab a drink. You notice a strange new slot – not for cards or cash, but a round hole cut out in the shape of a heart. You then discover the world's currency has changed in an instant overnight. The next day you woke up to new currency. Banks still exist, but the new currency is time, love, and effort. In this new world, do you think you'd get a great loan from a bank you only take from? Or would you likely get better results with a bank where you've made regular deposits – where you've invested care, time, and support?
Hopefully, you can see where this analogy is going. Friendships are much like banks. Be careful not to just make withdrawals without ever depositing your time, energy, and support. People are likely to close off their accounts with that hypothethtical bank that represents your friendship with them faster than you can say Vers Btm. they'll be gone, and truly the odds you'll get them back are not likely.
Have you ever had someone great you connected with who suddenly vanished from your life without a trace? But when they were in your life, they made you feel special, seen, and cared for. But then one day they were gone? They likely got tired of floating you an emotional line of credit and wrote off your friendship.
![Are your friendships one-sided? 🤔 Upton Rand explores skewed transactional & "Vampiric" relationships. TRIGGER WARNING: Includes discussion of rape. Read more: [=] #friendship #toxicrelationships](https://static.wixstatic.com/media/d5b722_1eb5bffa6e1c40038ba766f1d0019e6c~mv2.webp/v1/fill/w_800,h_800,al_c,q_85,enc_avif,quality_auto/d5b722_1eb5bffa6e1c40038ba766f1d0019e6c~mv2.webp)
Were you cut off for being a transactional friend, or think you might have been? Take my quiz and find out:
Did you genuinely learn about the persons needs and interests?
Were you there when they needed you? Car breakdown n, ect.
Did you support them emotionally and fully, offer to/ attend meaningful life events?
Did you offer them that same level of emotional support they provided or made availanle to you?
Did you make space for them in your life and invest energy in supporting them and spending time with them.
If you answered "NO" to one or more of the first three questions you probably were acting transactionally in a skewed manner, and likely really hurt the person. Now This part is a key distinction. I already hit on this, but it's worth saying again. Some people enjoy transactional relationships, if they're balanced! Doesn't sound terrible to me. Some can weather an imbalance for a while, depending on how close I they feel to an individual For how long.
A transactional friend in theory could change if communicated with correctly (not my strong suit by the way lol). That's your decision whether or not to let these people back in; to try to fix it. I've seen transactional friends change. It can be done, it's just very rare. A vampire will not change; they likely won't even realize what they are. So just save yourself a lot of fucking therapy and fucking run, hard fast and far. The people tend to share a lot of traits with individuals with borderline personality disorder.
How you handle guy like this in your life is very dependent on you. Most men will just terminate any relationship with a skwewed transactional friend. They're unlikely to tell you, just a clean severance. I've done and do this. Access to your life is a gift a friend should treasure. And theres nothing at all wrong with you for feeling that. My Therapist finally got me to believe that this week.
My Process for Healing and Protecting Myself From Toxic Friendships.
Speaking personally, I'm the kind of friend who tries to make plans with you, will sit with a connection during tough times, and help you solve problems, and generally put my life on hold for the few friends around me I cherish. I take care of them like fine procelain. Firstly, I can see the difference in the types of friends in my phonebook. When a friends demonstrates the ability to have my core needs met, they're in my life forever, and the loyalty is unbreakable.
Because to me they are. I know how these situations can be. They're delicate, they're sacred, and most of all they're generally irrepairable once fractured. Not saying it can't be done, but it's much harder to put a genie back into the bottle than to get it out.
When I had my epiphany this week that I wasn't broken, and the world was broken it fundamentally changed me. I've noticed a pattern where many people seem ready to engage briefly but then disappear quickly. It took some self-discovery – through therapy, reading (like "Braving the Wilderness" by Brené Brown), and talking to friends who share my values – to realize my phone list was littlered with these one-sided connections.
Uptons Psychologist Approved Procedure for Getting a Broken
Down Friendship Back on the Road, or at Least Finding Out you Got a Lemon
I just got a new jeep, I couldn't[t resist a car analogy! :-)
It brought SO MUCH peace and relief knowing I wasn't alone in experiencing this. I wasn't broken! Need the receipts? The references are at the bottom of this post, This is real psychology! . Wanting deeper, mutual friendships isn't me being "fucked up." It's normal! Guy's like me are not broken! The rest of the world is. This revalation forever changed my outlook. It's a gamechange!
So when I was ready I took some steps, with expert guidance....
I Considered the transactional friends in my life. Had I any friends I felt had shifted into Vampiric? Is anyone easing into an unbalanced frienshipI looked at it all.
Secondly, I thought, and kept my mouth shut for 36 hours – that's a good run for me! – without finally blurting things out through text which I regret. Honestly the pain I was feeling just got unbearable, I wanted it out. I only spoke with one person, the rest got instantly deleted. I felt there was a chance the person likely had no idea how I felt. I wanted to heal with this person and get us back on solid ground.
I removed 6 people from my phonebook who had repeatedly demonstrated to be skewed transactional friends. This wasn't hard- just go read your text history. you'll know when you see them. You likely won't hear from these few again until they message you wanting something. At the point they won't be in your phone book, you don't won't know who they are, and you can simply refrain from answering
There may be a few friends who you care for, and feel like there's a strong liklihood of getting back on solid ground. You just need to do what’s best for you. Take a cold, sobering look at what your fellow homos are bringing to the table, and what you are. Once you do that, let your spirit guide you. Is it worth repairing, or a lost cause? Here's what I'm doing with my soon to be BFF select. ;)
At this point it's on them, step back and give them a chance to fix it (I'm going through this rigtht now. It's maddening,, and the. wait is the hardest part. This is a person I deeply care about and I felt uncomfortable even bringing my feelings up with. But I want us to be right and without resentments. I feel like it's worth the fight and the wait.
It's also critical here that you don't overly guide them. If you set up a roadmap for them on how to make it changes it's shifts from friendship to people pleasing. Meaning that the authenticity of the friendship you fell in love with is lost. I recommend just making yourself available to them to get to know you.
Finally, just watch your buddy's behavior. Do they reach out to you just to say hello and check on you, or do they make meaningful efforts to strengthen a friendship? Or is it reverting back to a toxic friendship?
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I think this is really the way to go if you've recently spoken with a friend about getting things back on solid ground. You reached out, and you obviously care about this person. This sort of approach may surprise you. Tell you what, I'll try it if you will!! :-)
Until Next time!
This is Upton Rand with GayMensFieldGuide.com
Scientific References and Citations
I do my homework before I run my lttle cock holster- haha
I was researching this blog. I can find tons of blogs that back these claims up, but the most impactful are here: article (Refinery29) and the (Guardian). And finally, my favorite -> an article with the Nomad that really lays out the true cost . Of course, if you genuinely need no one and can manage everything alone, that's your path. But the next time you need help, like moving, consider who you'd call. If your interactions are mostly "emotional withdrawals," you're likely to get a lot of rejections. Maybe grab a therapist too. Mine is a godsend, but there is a lot of crossover between this thinking and more serious issues beneath the surface, such as borderline personality disorder. You can read about the correlations in the Psychology Today article, which is my last reference. Toxic friendships it turns out are a very common occurrence. So don't feel stupid.
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The statements in this blog are not my own original ideas. This is the outcome of a lot of research. There are nearly unlimited citations corroborating everything I'm saying, so feel free to browse them.
From NIH studies to Psychology Today articles.
Sources:
Untangling the Tangled in toxic friendships.
-U.R.
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