CPAP mouth farts all night long, I've become that guy. Lol

I know I know:..

The Height of Fashion: CPAP Edition

Picture this: It's 3 AM, and I'm lying here in what can only be described as the world's most expensive attempt at cosplaying Darth Vader, wondering if my neighbors can hear the tiny jet engine that my mouth has become. What the actual hell.

A month ago, I wrote about my adventure in the sleep lab, where I learned that my body occasionally likes to spice things up by just... forgetting to breathe. Because apparently regular sleep was too damn boring for my brain.

Six weeks and one diagnosis later, I've joined the CPAP club. And you know what? I actually don't hate the machine. It's quiet (when my mouth stays closed), sleek (as medical devices go), and it humidifies the air like I'm at a budget spa instead of just trying not to die in my sleep. Living the dream, right?

But here's the thing no one warned me about: my rebellious-ass mouth.

I'm using a nose-only mask because I'm fancy like that. Started with the nose pillows, graduated to the over-nose mask, and I've committed to team over-nose. But somewhere between dreamland and dawn, my mouth decides it's had enough of this "breathing through the nose" bullshit and just... flops open. Like a fish gasping for air, except I'm gasping for less air? The irony is not lost on me.

So I did what any reasonable person would do – I googled solutions. And that's how I discovered that people are out here taping their mouths shut. At night. On purpose.

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

Now, I'm not saying I won't try it. (Stay tuned for that adventure in voluntary silence.) But I have questions. Has anyone actually done this? Does it work? Do you wake up feeling like a new person, or do you spend the night convinced you're starring in your own personal episode of true crime?

And while we're sharing CPAP confessions, can we talk about the nose itch situation? Nobody – and I mean NOBODY – warned me that the second you strap on that mask, your nose develops an immediate and urgent need to be scratched. It's like my face is running its own damn resistance movement against good health choices.

The best part? When my mouth betrays me and opens, the air from the mask creates what I can only describe as face farts. Just lying there in the dark, accompanied by a symphony of "pfffffft" sounds, questioning every life choice that led to this shit show. So much for those romantic notions of peaceful slumber.

So here I am, reaching out to my fellow CPAP warriors. Please tell me this gets better. Please share your wisdom, your tricks, your tales of triumph over nocturnal mouth rebellion. Because right now, I'm starting to think my body is actively trying to sabotage my relationship with good sleep.

And because I believe in full transparency (and have absolutely no shame left), here's a photo of me modeling the latest in sleep fashion: nose mask, mouth tape ready to deploy, and the desperate hope that I'm doing this whole "breathing correctly" thing right

Solidarity to all my fellow sleep strugglers out there. May your masks stay sealed, your hoses remain unknotted, and your dreams be free of CPAP-related wardrobe malfunctions. And if you hear someone in your neighborhood making jet engine noises at 3 AM... no you didn't. 💤